When Behavior Problems Are Really Communication Issues
Psychology for Black Girls ·
Understanding the Hidden Messages in Behavior
When your daughter is told to put away her tablet, her reaction—throwing it onto the couch, yelling, and running from the room—might seem like disrespect. However, what if she simply didn’t understand that screen time was ending? What if she needed more warning or wanted to ask for five more minutes but couldn’t find the words in time? While behavior has consequences, focusing solely on the action can cause adults to overlook the underlying message the child is trying to convey.
Behavior as a Form of Communication
Children express themselves through more than just words. They communicate using facial expressions, gestures, movement, silence, crying, avoidance, and various behaviors. A child might hit, run away, refuse, scream, hide, or drop to the floor as a way of saying:
“I do not understand.”
“This is too hard.”
“I need a break.”
“That sound hurts.”
“I am scared.”
“I do not know what happens next.”
“I need help.”
“Please stop touching me.”
“I am in pain.”
“I want more time.”
The American Speech-Language-Hearing Association emphasizes that challenging behaviors often serve a communication function. Teaching children a more effective way to express their needs can significantly reduce these behaviors.
Communication Challenges Beyond Words
Effective communication goes beyond just speaking words or forming complete sentences. A child may possess a large vocabulary yet struggle with:
Understanding lengthy instructions
Explaining events
Asking for clarification
Describing physical discomfort
Recognizing others' expectations
Using language when emotionally overwhelmed
Understanding sarcasm or indirect language
Organizing thoughts coherently
Indicating a need for a break
Responding promptly to multiple questions
Children with developmental language difficulties may struggle with understanding and using language, even when their hearing and intelligence are intact. Instead of merely asking, “Can she talk?” consider, “Can she communicate effectively when confused, upset, tired, or under pressure?”
Analyzing the Context of Behavior
The moments leading up to a behavior often provide crucial insights. Consider these questions:
What was she being asked to do?
Did she understand the instruction?
Was the task too difficult or lengthy?
Did an activity end unexpectedly?
Was the environment noisy, crowded, or uncomfortable?
Was she hungry, tired, sick, or in pain?
Did she attempt to communicate before the behavior occurred?
How did the adults respond?
What happened immediately afterward?
For instance, if a child repeatedly leaves the table during homework, it could indicate that:
The work is too challenging.
She doesn’t know how to start.
The instructions are unclear.
She needs to move around.
She fears making a mistake.
She seeks adult attention.
She is trying to escape an overwhelming task.
Understanding that the same behavior can serve different purposes for different children highlights the importance of observation over assumptions.
Decoding Common Behaviors
Refusing or Saying “No”
This may indicate a lack of understanding, a need for more processing time, or a feeling of losing control. Offer clear choices, such as, “Do you want to put away the books first or the pencils first?”
Hitting or Pushing
She might be trying to escape touch, noise, crowding, or an unmanageable activity. Prioritize safety by blocking unsafe actions and using brief language to guide her to a safer space. Later, teach her replacement phrases like:
“Stop.”
“Move back.”
“I need space.”
Running Away
This behavior may stem from sensory overload, fear, confusion, or unexpected demands. Ensure safety through supervision and environmental safeguards, while providing her with reliable communication options like:
“Break.”
“Too loud.”
“I need to leave.”
Crying or Screaming
These reactions can signify overwhelm, frustration, or discomfort. Instead of repeatedly asking, “What is wrong?” try saying, “You don’t have to explain yet. Show me if you need help, a break, or quiet.”
Becoming Silent
Silence may be misinterpreted as ignoring adults. In reality, she might need more time to process language, recover from overwhelm, or communicate through alternative methods.
Children express themselves in various ways.
Simplifying Communication
When a child is distressed, lengthy explanations can be overwhelming. Instead of saying:
“I have told you three times that you need to finish getting dressed because we are already late and you are making everyone wait,”
try:
“Shoes on. Then we leave.”
Utilize:
Short sentences
One instruction at a time
Clear and literal wording
Visual reminders
Demonstration
Extra response time
A calm tone
After giving an instruction, pause. Repeating the same question immediately may not aid her processing.
Teaching Alternative Communication
Simply telling a child what not to do is insufficient. She also needs to learn an acceptable way to express her needs. Instead of throwing materials, she could learn to say or show:
“Help me.”
“Too hard.”
“I need a break.”
“Not yet.”
“All done.”
“More time.”
“It hurts.”
“I do not understand.”
Practice these phrases when she is calm, not just during a crisis. The replacement must also be effective—if she appropriately asks for a break but adults do not honor the request, she may revert to previous behaviors that helped her escape.
Exploring Alternative Communication Methods
Some children communicate more effectively through:
Gestures
Sign language
Written words
Picture cards
Choice boards
Visual schedules
Communication applications
Speech-generating devices
The CDC notes that while some autistic individuals communicate verbally, others may rely on signs, gestures, or electronic devices. Augmentative and alternative communication (AAC) is not limited to non-verbal children; it can offer a means of communication when spoken language is challenging or unavailable during stressful situations. Research indicates that AAC, when combined with functional communication strategies, can enhance communication and reduce challenging behaviors in some children with disabilities.
Addressing Unsafe Behavior
Understanding communication difficulties does not excuse behaviors like hitting, biting, or running into danger. Adults must:
Ensure everyone's safety
Set clear limits
Reduce access to dangerous objects
Teach safer replacement skills
Repair harm after the child has calmed down
Seek professional support when necessary
The key is to respond with teaching rather than solely punishment. You can say, “I will not let you hit. You can say ‘move back’ or show me the break card.” This approach maintains boundaries while offering the child another way to communicate.
Collaborating with Schools
When behavioral concerns arise at school, collaborate with the educational team to document:
What occurs before the behavior
The specific behavior observed
Adult responses
The settings where it frequently happens
Communication demands in those situations
Strategies that alleviate difficulties
A speech-language evaluation may be beneficial when concerns involve understanding language, expressing needs, social communication, or using language under stress. Some children may also require a functional behavioral assessment to identify the reasons behind certain behaviors and develop a plan to teach more appropriate skills. Don’t accept “She knows better” as the sole explanation; inquire about the skills expected and whether she can reliably apply them in that setting.
When to Seek Professional Evaluation
Consider professional support when behavior:
Occurs frequently or intensifies
Leads to injury or serious safety concerns
Interferes with school, relationships, or family life
Is accompanied by delayed speech or language
Appears linked to sensory overload
Happens during routine changes
Is difficult for the child to articulate
Is associated with attention, learning, social, or developmental issues
Depending on the situation, an evaluation may assess communication, autism, ADHD, learning, emotional functioning, sensory experiences, hearing, sleep, and medical concerns. Sudden changes in behavior should also be discussed with a healthcare provider, especially if the child may be unwell, in pain, constipated, sleep-deprived, or facing other physical issues.
Decoding the Underlying Message
The goal is not to rationalize every behavior but to replace assumptions with meaningful questions. Instead of asking, “Why is she acting like this?” consider:
“What is she trying to communicate, and what skill does she need?”
This shift can transform your response from mere punishment to one focused on safety, understanding, and meaningful teaching.
Explore Communication and Developmental Evaluations
This resource is intended for educational and informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for individualized speech-language, psychological, developmental, behavioral, educational, or medical evaluation.
Alternative communication methods can be effective.